The Modern Dictionary (Webster Unexpurgated) Adolescence -- An intermediate stage between purity and adultery. Adultery -- The wrong people doing the right thing. Alimony -- The screwing you get for the screwing you got. Amnesiac -- A man who can't remember where he laid his last wife. Angel -- A female spirit who probably spends most of her time wishing she could trade her harp for an upright organ. Aviatricks -- A pilot who cannot fly upside down without a crack-up nor right side up without having a bust up. Baby -- A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other. Bachelor -- A man who has no children to speak of; one who has done without marriage. Bachelor Girl -- One who has never been married. (See Old Maid) Balls -- The chief requisite accessory for such games as basketball and football. No sporting man is without one or two. Barefoot Party -- Where you take off your shoes and hose. Bathroom Menace -- A man having the misfortune at a tender age to have been circumcised by a cross-eyed rabbi. Blackout -- The reason a girl is apt to be blown into maternity without knowing who is responsible. Blotter -- Something you look for while the ink dries. Boudoir -- No man's land. Boy -- A noise with dirt on it. Brassiere -- An awning over a chid's restaurant; mezzanine jockstrap; titty hammock; a device which makes mountains out of molehills, and vice versa; double-barreled slingshot. Cannibal -- One who is apt to pass his best friend. Castrated Dinosaur -- A colossal fossil with a docile tassel. Chivalry -- A man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. Clergyman -- A man who works to beat hell. Complications -- A confused situation that makes it difficult to get at the works; for instance, a knock-kneed virgin. Conscience -- That which hurts when everything else feels so good. Constipation -- To have and to hold. Cookie -- A virgin doughnut. Courtship -- Extended period of shopping, mostly of the window variety. Dachshund -- A low-down son of a bitch. Dance -- A naval engagement without the loss of seamen. Dead Stick -- When the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Decoy -- A flashlight in the pants pocket. Deferred -- What a SPAR, WAVE, or WAC gets by jumping over a bonfire. Diary -- Book of Revelations. Discretion -- Ability no to do those things in youth which constitute the vain regrets of old age. Divorce -- What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer. Doctor -- A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. Drake, Sir Francis -- The man who circumcised the world with a forty-foot cutter. Enema -- A goose with a gush. Exploration -- Beating around athe bush. Father's Day -- Nine months before Labor Day. Fornication -- What bad people do and get caught at, and what good people do and don't get caught at. Furlough -- What a SPAR, WAVE, or WAC get by squatting. Gentleman -- One who is always careful, after goosing a young lady, to restore her dress to its former position; one who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. Gigilo -- The egg that laid the golden goose. Giraffe Party -- All neck and no tail. Glamour Girl -- A much-publicized young lady who is full of oomph, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage. Hell -- What you get in the morning for raising at night. Horse Show -- A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses. Husband -- What is left of a lover after the nerve has been killed. Kept Woman -- One who wears mink all day and fox all night. Hung Chow -- Chinese constipation. Kiss -- Upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise; upper persuasion for lower invasion. Lousy Bastard -- One who sits and scratches himself while his father and mother are being married. Marriage -- A lottery in which the prize winner draws alimony. Masturbation -- A solo played on a private organ. Maternity Dress -- A zoot suit with a rape shape. Metallurgist -- A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore. Minute Man -- One who double-parks while he visits a sporting house. Mistress -- Something between a mister and a mattress. Morning -- The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. Mother's Day -- Nine months after Father's Day. Mule Barbecue -- Where everybody gets a piece of ass. Nothing -- A balloon with the skin peeled off. Nun -- A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none. Nurse -- A panhandler. Nursery -- A place to park last year's fun until it grows up a bit. Old Maid -- A woman of uncertain age who ain't never been married nor nothing. A "Yes" girl who has never had a chance to talk. Outdoor Girl -- One with the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers. Pansy -- A man who likes his vice versa. Pajamas -- Items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire. Papoose -- Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. Passion -- The feeling you feel when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. Pimp -- A crack salesman, a nookie bookie. Pregnancy -- When a woman is all swelled up over her mate's handiwork. Private Secretary -- A stenographer who watches her periods. Professor -- One who talks in someone else's sleep. Prostitutes -- Busy bodies. Psychiatrist -- One who tries to find out whether an infant has more fun in infancy than an adult in adultery. Puppy Love -- The beginning of a dog's life. Quack -- A pwace to put a pwick. Rape -- Seduction without salemanship; assault with intent to please. Rumba -- An asset to music. Sin -- Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't. Sissy -- A man that gets out of the bathtub to take a leak. Sleep -- That which when your are coming in at 2:00 A..M., Pa ain't a. Sob Sister -- A girl who sits on your lap and bawls and makes it hard for you. Spouse -- A combined domestic servant, hot water bottle and incubator. Spring -- When a young man's fancy turns to what a young woman has been thinking about all winter. Spring Fever -- When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants. Stepins -- A lady's last line of defense; they go on easily but must be coaxed off. Stockings -- Feminine pedal covering that generally neither comes up to milady's expectations nor tickles her fancy. Stork -- The bird that has nono of the fun of bringing babies. Sympathetic Secretary -- A girl who sits on the boss's lap and bawls while his business goes in the hole. Taxidermist -- A man who mounts animals; a sheepherder. Tomcat -- A ball-bearing mouse trap. Triplets -- Taking seriously what was poked at you in fun. Twins -- Womb mates that eventually become bosom friends. Uncanny -- A house without a toilet. Underdog -- A bitch. Union Suit -- What a woman wears to avoid labor trouble. Vice -- Anything you enjoy that is bad for you. Virgin -- An ugly Coed. Virginity -- A bubble on the stream of life -- one prick and it is gone forever. Virgin Wool -- That from a sheep which can run faster than the shepherd. Wife -- A gadget that you screw on the bed and it does your housework for you.