GEORGE TAKES UP GOLF

My wife said to me, "George, it's about time you 
learned to play golf.  You know...  GOLF.  That's the 
game you chase a ball all over the country when you're 
too old to chase women."

So, I went to see Jones and asked him if he would 
teach me how to play.  He said, "Sure. You've got balls 
haven't you?"  

I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are 
kind of hard to find."

"Bring them to the Clubhouse tomorrow and we will 
tee off," Jones said.  

"Tee off," I asked, "what's that?" 

He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in 
front of the clubhouse."  

"Not for me," I said, "you can tee off wherever you 
like, but I'll go behind the barn somewhere."  

"No, no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about 
the size of your little finger."  

"Yeah," I said, "I got one of those."  

"Well," Jones says, "you stick it in the ground and 
put your ball on top of it."  

I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down?  I always 
thought you stood up and walked around?"  

"You do," he said, "you're standing up when you put 
your ball on the tee."

Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a 
little too far and said so.  He said, "You've got a 
bag haven't you?"  

"Sure," I said.  

He said, "Your balls are in it aren't they?"  

"Of course," I told him.  

"Well," he said, "can't you open the bag and take 
one out?"  

I said, "I suppose I could but damned if I'm 
going to."  

He asked if I didn't have a zipper in my bag.  I 
told him, "No!  I'm old fashioned."  

Then Jones asked if I knew how to hold my club.  
Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of 
idea, and I told him so.  He said, "You take your 
club in both hands..." and folks, I knew right 
then that he didn't know what he was talking about.  
He continued, "then you swing it over your shoulder."  

"No, no." I said. "That's not me.  That's your 
brother you're thinking about."  

He asked, "How do you hold your club?"  

And without thinking, I said, "In two fingers."  

He said that wasn't right, got behind me and put both 
arms around me.  Then told me to bend over so he could 
show me how.  He couldn't catch me there Ñ I didn't 
put in four years in the Navy for nothing.

He said, "You hit the ball with your club and it 
will soar and soar."  I said I could well imagine.  
Then he says, "And when you're on the green..." 

"What's the green?" I asked.  

"That's where the hole is." he said.  

"Sure you're not color blind?" I asked.  

"No.  Now to continue, you take your putter..."

"What's a putter?" I asked.  

"That's the smallest club made." he says.  

"That's what I got, a putter."  

"And with it," he said, "you put your ball into 
the  hole."  

I corrected him, "You mean the putter?"  

He said again, "The ball!  The hole isn't big 
enough for the ball and the putter too"  

Well, I've seen holes big enough to put a horse and wagon.  

Then he said, "After you make the first hole, you go 
on to the next seventeen."

He couldn't have been talking to me.  After two holes, 
I'm shot to hell. 

"You mean to say that you can't take eighteen holes 
in one day?" he asked. 

"Hell no.  It takes me eighteen days to make one hole.  
Besides, how do I know when I'm in the eighteenth hole?"  

He said, "The flag will go up."  

That, folks, would be just my luck.