Over the years I've done my share of driving in the Third World-- in Pakistan, Africa, Asia, Germany and Texas. (Germany and Texas arenot technically part of the Third World, but no one has told the Germansor Texicans.) I don't pretend to be an expert, but I have made a few notes.Maybe these notes will be useful to readers who are planning to do somethingreally stupid with their Hertz #1 Club cards.
ROAD HAZARDS
What would be a road hazard anyplace else, in the Third World is probablythe road. There are two techniques for coping with this. One is to drivevery fast so your wheels "get on top" of the ruts and your car sails overthe ditches, gullies and pot holes. Predictably, this will result in disaster.The other technique is to drive very slow. This will result in disaster.No matter how slowly you drive into a ten-foot hole, you're still goingto get hurt. You'll find the locals themselves can't make up their minds.Either they drive at 2 mph -- which they do when there's absolutely noway to get around them. Or else they drive at 100 mph -- which they docoming right at you when you finally get a chance to pass the guy going2 mph.
BASIC INFORMATION
It's important to have your facts straight before you begin pilotinga car around an underdeveloped country. For instance, which side of theroad do they drive on? This is easy. They drive on your side. That is,and you can depend on it, any oncoming traffic will be on your side ofthe road. Also, how do you translate kilometers into miles? Most peopledon't know this, but one kilometer = ten miles, exactly. True, a kilometeris only 62% of a mile, but, if something is 100 kilometers away, read thatas one thousand miles because the roads are 620% worse than anything you'veever seen. And when you see a 50-kph speed limit, you might as well figurethat means 500 mph because nobody cares. The Third World does not haveBrodrick Crawford and the Highway Patrol. Outside the cities, it doesn'thave many police at all. Law enforcement is in the hands of the army. Andsoldiers, if they feel like it, will shoot you no matter what speed you'regoing. Remember, taxis and buses can stop anywhere they please. There'snothing you can do, deal with it.
TRAFFIC SIGNS AND SIGNALS
Most developing nations use international traffic symbols. Americansmay find themselves perplexed by road signs that look like Boy Scout meritbadges and by such things as an iguana silhouette with a red diagonal baracross it. Don't worry, the natives don't know what they mean, either.The natives do, however, have an elaborate set of signals used to conveyinformation to the traffic around them. For example, if you're trying topass someone and he blinks his left turn signal, it means go ahead. Eitherthat or it means a large truck is coming around the bend, and you'll getkilled if you try. You'll find out in a moment. A down-waving hand outthe window can mean, "I'm slowing down," or it can mean, "You slow down,I'm cutting in front of you." Again, you'll find out in a moment.
Signaling is further complicated by festive decorations found on manyvehicles. It can be hard to tell a hazard flasher from a string of Christmas-treelights wrapped around the bumper, and brake lights can easily be confusedwith the dozen red Jesus statuettes and the ten stuffed animals with blinkingeyes on the package shelf. Or you will be blinded by the light flashingoff the CD hanging from the rear view mirror.
There is one universal signal worldwide... the single digit salute.Use it with extreme caution. Such action has been known to create massriots and mayhem against the perpetrator.
DANGEROUS CURVES
Dangerous curves are marked, at least in Christian lands, by white woodencrosses positioned to make the curves even more dangerous. These crossesare memorials to people who've died in traffic accidents, and they givea rough statistical indication of how much trouble you're likely to haveat that spot in the road. Thus, when you come through a curve in a full-powerslide and are suddenly confronted with a veritable forest of crucifixes,you know you're dead.
LEARNING TO DRIVE LIKE A NATIVE
It's important to understand that in the Third World most driving isdone with the horn, or "Egyptian Brake Pedal," as it is known. There isa precise and complicated etiquette of horn use. Honk your horn only underthe following circumstances:
1. When anything blocks the road.
2. When anything doesn't.
3. When anything might.
4. At red lights.
5. At green lights.
6. At all other times.
Drivers in the Third World NEVER look at the other guy. That way, nomatter what they do, it's okay. And the most important rule when drivingat night... turn off your lights. You'll save your battery that way.
ROADBLOCKS
One thing you can count on in Third World countries is trouble. There'salways some uprising, coup or marxist insurrection going on, and this meansmilitary roadblocks. There are two kinds of military roadblocks, the kindwhere you slow down so they can look you over, and the kind where you cometo a full stop so they can steal your luggage. The important thing is thatyou must never stop at the slow-down kind of roadblock. If you stop, they'llthink you are a terrorist about to shoot them, and they'll shoot you. Andyou must always stop at the full-stop kind of roadblock. If you just slowdown, they'll think you are a terrorist about to attack them, and they'llshoot you. How do you tell the difference between the two kinds of roadblocks?Here's the fun part: You can't!
(The terrorists, of course, have roadblocks of their own. They alwaysmake you stop. Sometimes with land mines.)
ANIMALS IN THE RIGHT OF WAY
As a rule of thumb, you should slow down for donkeys and pedestrians,speed up for goats and stop for cows. Donkeys will get out of your wayeventually, and so will pedestrians. But never actually stop for eitherof them or they'll take advantage, especially the pedestrians. If you stopin the middle of a crowd of Third World pedestrians, you'll be there buyingchewing gum and bogus antiquities for days.
Drive like hell through the goats. It's impossible to hit a goat. Onthe other hand, it's almost impossible not to hit a cow. Cows are immuneto horn-honking, shouting, swats with sticks and taps on the hind quarterswith the bumper. The only thing you can do to make a cow move is swerveto avoid it, which will make the cow move in front of you with lightningspeed.
Actually, the most dangerous animals are the chickens. In the UnitedStates, when you see a ball roll into the street, you hit your brakes becauseyou know the next thing you'll see is a kid chasing it. In the Third World,it's not balls the kids are chasing, but chickens. Are they practicingpunt returns with a leghorn? Dribbling it? Playing stick-hen? I don't know.But Third Worlders are remarkably fond of their chickens and, also, theirchildren (population problems notwithstanding). If you hit one or both,they may survive. But you will not.
ACCIDENTS
Never look where you're going -- you'll only scare yourself. Nonetheless,try to avoid collisions. There are bound to be more people in that bus,truck or even on that Moped than there are in your car. (Especially bewatchful for delivery mopeds carrying 10 bottles of butane gas...) At bestyou'll be screamed deaf. And if the police do happen to be around, standardprocedure is to throw everyone in jail regardless of fault. This is doneto forestall blood feuds, which are a popular hobby in many of these places.Remember the American Consul is very busy fretting about that Marxist insurrection,and it may be months before he comes to visit.
If you do have an accident, the only thing to do is go on the offensive.Throw big wads of American money at everyone, and hope for the best.
SAFETY TIPS
One thing about the Third World, you don't have to fasten your safetybelt. (Or stop smoking. Or cut down on saturated fats.) It takes a lotoff your mind when the average life expectancy is forty-five minutes.